and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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