My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
