I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
