Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
