arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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