I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
