Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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