yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
