Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
