The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
