Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's no shave November. This is our time.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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