I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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