honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I need a burrito and a hug.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
