I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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