Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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