your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's no shave November. This is our time.
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