wanna go halves on a baby?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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