I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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