the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
