apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
operation have a gay friend backfired
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Everyone says I win the strip club
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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