would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
