i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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