I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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