we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
