can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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