there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
