YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
