yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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