When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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