Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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