Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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