Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
