My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
