I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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