Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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