Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
