So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
