My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
