so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
