is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
its liver damage thursday
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
