hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
