My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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