You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
