Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
