my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
