i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
