i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
