i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
this just has baby written all over it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
