i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
