ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
