my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
