I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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